The Edited Editions: Coffee Sonnet 9

9

Today, opaque takes its first meaning,
The morning sun trapped behind dullish cloud,
Wind whipping round our backs, the flowers bowed,
As the wood fire burned, spitting and crackling.

We had wandered to a red wooden shack,
Once a fisherman's cabin; cosy, warm,
Trinkets, curiose, one painted girl mourns.
No end of coffee, refills 5 cents back.

"It's just to make you happy", when asked they say,
Though the walls, all adorned with frames enough,
And the customers with dogs made of fluff,
Or simply respite from an opaque day.

Though there are always times when one must leave,
You can choose the meaning of two to cleave.

The editing

When a place has so much character it's really easy to imagine this cafe again; a place that gave you 5 cents back for every refill you had of their filter coffee.
Normally my sonnets were written when I was alone, maybe the reason this edit is so close to the original is because this time I was with a group of friends - meaning I wasn't left to my own thoughts, which as I have previously written about can be dangerous!
The changes that have been made are generally updating words/phrases (like, 'I decree') and some changes to the rhyming word also seemed wise. My favourite line now " the flowers bowed", such a graceful image and one that is very easy to see in your head when reading.

Original

This day opaque takes its first true meaning,
Stealing the morning sun behind their clouds.
The wind whips round our backs, the dullness shrouds,
Wood smoke surrounds me, the crackling song.

Off to wander to a wooden shack,
Once a fisherman's cabin, cosy, warm,
Trinkets, curiose, a painted girl mourns,
No end of coffee, refills 5 cents back.

When asked they say it's just to make you happy,
My dear your walls adorned with frames enough
And the characters with dogs who're made of fluff,
I could stay here forever I decree.

Alas it is surely time, time to leave,
Sorrow at separation, two to cleave.