Due to the long explanation (which I can't always promise won't happen) I've put the sonnet first, so if you want you can ignore the editing process completely!
This weeks Coffee Sonnet caused a few issues; this is because when I read it through I thought it was terrible, there was no real focus and the imagery seemed to grasping at...well, not even strings.
There were aspects that I enjoyed, a saving grace if ever there was one, and so this allowed me to concentrate on these parts and manipulate imagery to fit a different purpose.
One of the main parts of this sonnet was actually that it was the first time I'd gone to a cafe with someone, I generally like to go alone and watch the world go by from a comfy seat. Whereas my friend Jeremy (a New Zealander, of importance later) in the original is introduced in the second stanza I immediately shifted him to the beginning - what this position allowed me to do was also introduce the consistent theme of black and white.
To pick out the important parts of this theme also allows me to explain a few other choices made: firstly the little cafe we were in was predominantly black and white in design (HKI+), it also sits very close to the Senate Sq. where the Lutheran Cathedral dominates the skyline. The white cathedral also allows me to bring in a religious aspect to the black and white, though my intention is not to create HKI+ as an evil in comparison it is instead related to the warmth of both coffee and the cafe itself.
We also seemed to pick a good spot for the end of school parade where students got in the back of trucks and were taken through the streets as they threw sweets. The reason hair is noted in the original is that this truck going by was all female and the stereotypical flowing blonde hair of Scandinavia was present - on reading this back I hated it, it is out of place and seems a bit too absorbed and so their character in the sonnet changes to the volta and they straddle both good/white (high up, fair skin etc) and evil/black (demonic shrieks).
The third stanza is just s*** so I scrapped it.
3.
Sat with a boy of the white fern, with black
Walls rising on all sides, and at our back
The ever present white seat of Luther.
Though it's here that I'll listen to my preacher
That bitter sable drink; harbouring me
From the blank sky and winds of Baltic sea.
And those who enter speak with low murmur
As we sedately relish in fervour.
From the cavernous street echo the screams
Of the graduates parading - in teems
Candy thrown from the hands of skin so fair,
Though demonic shrieks throttle the whiplashed air.
Interrupting the cramped space of inside,
So too the man with which I confide.
This weeks Coffee Sonnet caused a few issues; this is because when I read it through I thought it was terrible, there was no real focus and the imagery seemed to grasping at...well, not even strings.
There were aspects that I enjoyed, a saving grace if ever there was one, and so this allowed me to concentrate on these parts and manipulate imagery to fit a different purpose.
One of the main parts of this sonnet was actually that it was the first time I'd gone to a cafe with someone, I generally like to go alone and watch the world go by from a comfy seat. Whereas my friend Jeremy (a New Zealander, of importance later) in the original is introduced in the second stanza I immediately shifted him to the beginning - what this position allowed me to do was also introduce the consistent theme of black and white.
To pick out the important parts of this theme also allows me to explain a few other choices made: firstly the little cafe we were in was predominantly black and white in design (HKI+), it also sits very close to the Senate Sq. where the Lutheran Cathedral dominates the skyline. The white cathedral also allows me to bring in a religious aspect to the black and white, though my intention is not to create HKI+ as an evil in comparison it is instead related to the warmth of both coffee and the cafe itself.
We also seemed to pick a good spot for the end of school parade where students got in the back of trucks and were taken through the streets as they threw sweets. The reason hair is noted in the original is that this truck going by was all female and the stereotypical flowing blonde hair of Scandinavia was present - on reading this back I hated it, it is out of place and seems a bit too absorbed and so their character in the sonnet changes to the volta and they straddle both good/white (high up, fair skin etc) and evil/black (demonic shrieks).
The third stanza is just s*** so I scrapped it.
Original
Cramped inside but with so much space to spare.
Black and white, screams echoing in the street.
Candy thrown by girls with beautiful hair,
The end of school paraded in a fleet.
Sitting with a kiwi, men of the black
And white. The colour of HKI+.
The bitter sweet scent is taking me back:
Your soft touch, my senses lost to your musk
I cannot guess your usual clientele
But I am likely to frequent you oft'.
I imagine your summer, pray don't tell,
Under a parasol, loving and soft.
Next to politicians you stand astute,
But your modesty is beyond repute.
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