Perseus Evades Me

12th August.
Cold.
The wind whipped the face of a lone man.
Standing in the street, darkness swam all around him.
Rain hit his skin and face, as he looked up into the endless depths of the night sky.
Waiting.
The church started to strike midnight. The tower, a menacing figure on the skyline. It was ugly and knew that even if it were beautiful it would not compare with a shooting star.
For that was what he was waiting for. A glimpse of trailing light. His hope.

Every year he had done the same, and every year he failed. He did not know why he continued to try but something within him forced him to do it. His hope had turned to despair over the years. Constant ridicule from Perseus who continued to evade him.
The ground was damp. The tarmac glistened. The sound of traffic met his ears and he tried to close it from his mind; everything from his mind. Looking for peace. Tranquillity and equilibrium.

This universe is not in balance. Always shifting. A mystery of incomprehensible magnitude. Yet still we look up to the night sky, at the stars, believing we can find reason and understanding for our lives.

He waited.
Shooting stars still escaping him.
Although alone, he was not lonely. Far from it, cherishing his friends more than anything. His wish, in fact, was for one of those he loved. It was not an extravagant wish. Not for personal gain; nor of worthy acclaim. It was personal and he felt he was indebted.
A birthday wish.
Yet for all of his friends, he still lived for the moments he had alone. A time for reflection. Rarely in happiness...rarely out of depression.
But in this time he knew he would be accepted in whatever state he arrived in. When leaving his state may not be any different, sometimes it is worse but it is important all the same.
To confront the world, its misfortune and unforgiving nature. To battle the earth, sea & sky for answers.

Alone he stood.
Staring up at the sky.
For that shooting star.
To pass him by.
A wish at the tip of his tongue.

He closed his eyes, and let the entire world disappear.
Tonight was not his night, but one year he will see.
And his wish will be told. To grace the air with its words. And find their way to whom ever was the object of his hope and thinking.

London

My beginning attempts at a Sartorialistic future.
In London, on a hot day.
Loved the guys laid back demeanour, and the backdrop that fitted his clothes perfectly.

Body Lust

The summer is coming and beaches will be full of topless men; the fat, the flat, the toned and the mind bogglingly ripped guy who has just ruined your life. So why is there this craze about the perfect body? And what can be done about it?

The answer to the first question is probably not well known; Mark Wahlberg. If that name drop still leaves you lost do not fear, I shall explain.

Mark Wahlberg is known mostly for his acting career, with roles in: Boogie Nights, Planet of the Apes, The Italian Job, Max Payne and The Lovely Bones. Now none of these films scream out ‘I AM THE REASON FOR THE SIX PACK REVOLUTION’ but he is. In his youth Mark stole cars…repeatedly, on ‘TopGear’ he admitted stealing one man’s car about 14 times, and in one jail sentence decided that he would solely concentrate on working his abs and in 1992 Calvin Klein featured a billboard for their underwear which featured Mark exclusively – and so the lust for a six pack was born.
Now the ultimate body is thrown in our faces every time we enter a supermarket or newsagent, thanks to ‘Men’s Health’. However those greasy grooves and bulging biceps don’t always look like that; a possibility brought up by ‘The Times’ who recently published an article called ‘You, too, can’t have a body like this’. It goes on to talk about Daniel Martin, no stranger to a front cover shoot, who says that he has a routine that he follows before a photo-shoot; you would think that this would be 9 to 5 in the gym, protein shakes and then back to the gym yes? No. Well okay he needs to be ripped in the first place, but before the shoot he will stop exercise altogether for 48 hours and open a bottle of wine to drink alone. Then a ‘six-day carbohydrate-depletion diet, in which he eats little more than chicken and broccoli, leaves his muscles weak and his brain so starved of glycogen, its source of fuel, that he feels dizzy and disorientated when he stands up.’, leaving him barely able to walk. Martin says “I’ve been on castings for fitness magazines where there are six or seven models who are so groggy and out of it that they need to grab a chair to sit down and literally can’t speak.”
Yet all this doesn’t make much difference if you aren’t already in tip top condition.

Another masterpiece in the abdominal region was the film release of 300 in 2006, which depicted, not so truthfully but quite incredibly, Spartans in all their glory…which consists of no top and a sword. Gerard Butler was the King of Sparta in this epic film, and quite rightly as I don’t think anyone would want to mess with someone who was so unbelievably toned he scared me on screen! The casts training regime, it turns out, was quite rigorous. When I say quite – I mean like torture:

Pull-ups – 25 reps
Deadlifts with 60kg – 50 reps
Push-ups – 50 reps
24" box jumps – 50 reps
Floor wipers – 50 reps
Single-arm clean-and-press with 36lbs kettlebell – 50 reps
Pull-ups – 25 reps

It may not sound like much but you aren’t supposed to have a rest in between each exercise and these guys were completing it in less than 20 minutes. If the Spartans of old were as pumped up as the ones in the film I have no idea why the Persians tried to fight them, I think most sane people would have just let them be; all be it the Persian guy in the film is a big black man who claims he is a God – with an extremely amusing voice.

So who else is to blame? Too many to look at in detail…Diego Forlan gave us a great showing in the final and semi-final of the Europa League, other models, girls and mainly I think ourselves (because we want to impress the girls).

What can we do about it then? Well as a teenager that question varies. Many people believe that weightlifting in your teens will stunt your growth and cause damage to your bones etc. However this isn’t the case, training with weights will not stunt your growth yet it won’t be much benefit either unless you’re in the late stages of puberty. Even then though you are not at your best, as growth plates in arms and legs don’t fully fuse until about 21 so our bones are slightly weaker and more susceptible to injury…that doesn’t mean to say you will get injured though. This means that going to the gym is a viable option, but you need to be going to the gym for the right amount of time; 4 or 5 sessions a week for 2 hours are more is a definite no. A little bit everyday is likely to get you further than wasting your life in the iron room, in fact 2-3 intense sessions for approx. 45 minutes has been ‘proven’ to make you better in the sack…enough said there I think.
The next option is the supplements. ‘Maximuscle’ offer a humongous range of different shakes and powders and bars and drinks but overall which ones are best? And what are the cons?
Well ‘Maximuscle’ have done a fantastic job by saying that you need to buy something, yet you also need to buy this for after, this during, this before and this all the way through. For muscle building power though, you should know this from your Biology classes, you need protein and carbs. Lots and lots of the stuff; the recommended protein intake is 2g protein to every kg you weigh, so Protein shakes are probably the most easy obtainable and easy to use answer to your problems. You must be wary of the disadvantages though.
• Firstly, they quite often taste disgusting.
• They are also not recommended for anyone under 16 (same goes for all supplements, with age guidelines differing).
• They can cause bloating and gas
• If you don’t eat enough fibre then all that protein is going to make you run for those laxatives
• Dehydration, which can lead to kidney stones and that’s just unwanted pain
• Osteoporosis, which is weakening of bones making them more likely to be fractured and broken. So all your lifting could be doing more damage than good.
• It’s also been known to increase acne…and we do not want that.

So we have two options explored so far and to me they are the only two worth considering. Natural or supplements (in moderation). After these you get stupid options like steroids, which are banned from most sports and also I hate thought of putting anything in me that has so many disadvantages, check this website out for a list of the lovely things: http://www.musclenet.com/steroid.htm

Recently I also heard of a substance which is basically like glue, which is pumped into the muscle tissue to make it look as though it was huge. Although you wouldn’t gain strength you’d look pumped…literally! But the reason I heard about this substance was that it has been known to ‘pop’ and basically obliterate any muscle you did have. This makes me feel as though it’s another method to put aside – although reportedly it’s what our good old Governor of California, Terminator, Kindergarten Teacher Cop person used when he became; MR. UNIVERSE! You should see the photos; it’s quite disgusting most of the time.

So as I said at the beginning, the summer is coming and so many of us males are going to be made to feel inferior by the site of a peer looking like they were born to be the next John Claude Van Damme or to fight David Haye.
In my opinion, I would try and get ‘buff’ the natural way. Work intense routines that don’t last an age, do them regularly but not 24/7. We weren’t all designed to have a stomach like a Spartan, shoulders like a rugby player or pectorals like Arnie; thus we shouldn’t expect to get them. We also can’t expect to work out for a week and be too hot to trot, you need to be committed.

Remember though, not all girls’ legs quiver at the sight of a hot body and can you really be bothered to go to all the effort?!

The Question To Make A Girl Squirm

Do you masturbate?

You can immediately sense that the guy who asked is on the verge of a very immature break down. [ I say guy because a girl isn't really going to ask, is she?!] However at the same time as hoping the girl will admit that her fingers have gone- or go- exploring from time to time he also knows, although he doesn't really want to consider it, that he is unlikely going to get the response he desires; probably the most likely outcome will be along the lines of ' Eww, no!' (as a cover up to the truth, possibly) or 'What the Hell?!' which instantly puts the guy under pressure to come back with a respectable reply. If not, he can expect another thing...a slap. Two if he's in luck.

But why so defensive? If you asked a guy if he masturbates the answer is almost certainly going to be 'of course' as though it was a stupid question to ask in the first place. Which it is to be honest, but us humans can't help but be curious about the subjects we really shouldn't be curious about.
So why, then, are they defensive? well hints of shame and embarrassment I'm sure, and want for privacy too. Yet I bet that the majority (if not all) of girls who go to secondary school will have done the deed, but you never really know. Well, maybe apart from that one girl who loves the sound of her own voice and openly talks about her dildo or the rips she obtained from last weekend's booty call. Got to love that girl!

So female masturbation is a taboo currently left for the porn industry to exploit and give the horny teenage population a show, maybe even the adult one. In fact scratch that, definitely the adult one. [ Now that's another question to ask: have your parents done it? Have they spent some alone time locked away? It's a taboo I don't want to explore but another one of those things that you can't help but think about, until you shut it out of your mind forever and then...puke]
So back to the girls, why are you so quiet on the topic?

Self Respect.

That's only a theory, I mean I am a guy and I'm sure that it varies from person to person. But the shame in admitting it, a metaphorical piece of dirt that once you have acknowledged you will never scrub off, no matter how hard you try. You have to face it...you masturbate. So I guess with this shame and self-respect comes the difference between the lads and ladies. We don't really care (on the whole, there will be some exceptions) where as you girls do, which is very admirable.

However.

Maybe, just maybe, if every girl came out and said she did it then that gleam in the guy's eye would disappear. No longer finding it quite hot that a girl masturbates, just another to thing to accept in life. I mean can you girls honestly say you get turned on when you know a guy masturbates?! No, 'cause you know it happens, it's a part of life.

So I say just be done with it and say it. You might even get to see a few lads faint and that has to be some good blackmailing material for the future!

[not that I endorse that kind of thing or anything....]

So you think the world is going to end...

It is.

And apparently already has…on numerous occasions.

The second coming of Christ (this has been thought about a few times), nuclear war, large hadron collider, the end of the Mayan calendar and global warming. All of these – and many more – have been theories of how and when the world will end. Most of them, as you will know…considering you are reading this, have been absolute nonsense. Yet we are still fixated with predicting when we are going to fall into eternal doom and blackness because the world is going to implode because of some stupid reason or another.

I may make my own: that an ancient script depicted that a chicken inherited the powers of God because He had got high and thought that the human race was boring. The chicken then sneezed and blew the earth into smithereens. I think that has a good factual basis compared to most theories. In fact I may sell that to ‘The Sun’, I’m sure they’d love it; creating a really imaginative headline like: ‘Chicken to wipe out human race.’

Anyway, let’s have a look at these theories. Starting with Jesus, supposed to be a nice guy- right? Wrong. He has, apparently, ended the world 5 times (at least). Those dudes upstairs must really hate mankind; luckily their attempts have been as good as trying to get Gordon Brown to give our troops working helicopters…
I wonder how the people who came up with these ideas felt about their religion afterwards. “DAMN YOU GOD! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL US ALL YESTERDAY! YOU LIED!” followed with “Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you, please forgive me!”
One main problem with predicting the end of the world by The Rapture is that the amount of ridicule it would get is huge. Estimates are between 2-3 billion Christians world wide. So that leaves 4 billion at least of other religion or none at all and all the Christians who also think that what is being said is stupidity. Yet these crazy believers keep popping up thinking the world is going to end. I’ll feel sorry for anyone who ridicules the crazy guy who gets it right.

1665: The plague, again. This led into 1666 which people believed was the beginning of the end. For two reasons mainly: The great fire of London and because it was the year 1000 and 666 (he number of the beast) combined.
1000AD had already been a year that the end of the world had been predicted. Just because it was a magic number and also because the outbreak of heresies in France, Italy and the south west Med made some French guy think that Satan was going to unleash hell. So with this in mind, having the magic number 1000 plus the number of the beast, 1666 obviously had to be the end of the world. The great fire of London believed to be a mere insight to what Hell would entail.

In more recent times the Large Hadron Collider was put under scrutiny for the theory, from a scientist in Hawaii, that when they succeeded in creating the big bang a great big sucking black hole would eat up the world. This lead to people on the 9th of September 2008 going round saying: ‘Hey good looking. The world is going to end tomorrow…let’s have sex’. I don’t know how well it worked; I’m thinking not so well.
Like past predictions this one failed but not as badly as others. As in fact something did end…the use of the Collider- for a year- because it broke; even with its $9,000,000,000 budget.
So alas the world had still not come to an end. So it was time for a new theory to be developed and a lot of people to go get checked for STIs!

So now the most recent theory for our untimely demise is 2012. The end of the Mayan calendar. There are many thoughts surrounding this, with people believing that the worsening atmospheric state and economic decline are pre-cursors leading up to this apocalypse. An idea that a polar shift may take place, which entails north becoming south and vice versa, which apparently, is a very bad thing. Or a meteor crashing into the earth, weakening of the earth’s magnetic field or mans greed and corruption causing world war 3 which would of course be a nuclear one so no one actually had to do any fighting being the catalyst for our end.

However, I have another theory for this one. 2012 is also the date London hosts the Olympics. The government has been harassed over how we are going to create a mockery of this prestigious event and that we will never finish the construction in time and even if we do, we obviously won’t be able to compete with Beijing’s opening and closing ceremonies. And the athletes won’t be able to compete because Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps will be present. So I propose that the Olympic Committee have decided to blow the world up: so that no one else can complain, so that London can have the glory of being the last place to hold the Olympics and finally…

Because it would be the best fireworks display EVER.